Seed

The first month of the year has passed, the first month out of twelve in this annual dance around the sun, the first four weeks of the rest of my life.

I don’t feel like I’m really Sparkling and Thriving yet.

But that’s good. We live in a world of instant gratification. We live in a world of self-medication. We live in a world defined by the line drawn in the sand, between the idealistic stories we tell ourselves, and the reality of what we do with our lives. We strive to be perfect, and when we wake up and are still the same person we were yesterday, we get disappointed in our lack of perfection, and even stop trying, because what’s the point? You’re not perfect today, will you be perfect tomorrow? Probably not.

But I am glad that I did not get instant gratification, that I did not get immediate results. Because I got something so much more valuable than results: I got a hypothesis, I got an experiment in daily living, I got a journal of data, and they all point to the conclusion that I am in fact a living spark of the universe; like a seed that can feel the coming warmth of spring and begin to come alive long before any we see any outward signs of viability.

This past week especially has been difficult, I’ve found myself facing a lot of hormonal swings and several bad rounds of anxiety and depression, and on top of that DandyLion and I are now temporarily stranded several hundred miles from home with a busted transmission. We’re making the best of our adventure, and I surprised myself by how much my old homeless survival skills came back to me, even though we have a hotel room and are hardly homeless at the moment. It reminded me that I still have Thriving skills even when I don’t feel like it. And last night we went to a birthday party with some new and old friends, and I danced and laughed and remembered that moments of Sparkle are always there if I am present.

The seed may not yet be a flower, but it is already starting to bloom.

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