You ever take on one of those projects where it seems straightforward enough, but then by the time you actually get under way it’s grown into a whole new monster of its own?
Maybe monster isn’t the right word . . .
Long story short(er): I came home from Lightning in a Bottle with an overwhelming sense of “Now what?” (a reoccurring theme in my life). Aside from the obvious clean-up and laundry that needed to be done, I felt like all my projects and routines had been thrown haphazardly in the air. Just in time, I saw that Deanne Love, a brilliant hooper from Australia that I follow, was starting her second annual 40 Days of Flow, 40 days to set intentions and get back into the flow of healthy habits – basically her version of Sparkle and Thrive boot camp, sounds good right? She started her 40 days on June 1, and I had every intention of following along, but in classic depressed fae form, I found reasons/excuses to not start (too busy, too sleepy, too emotional, too inebriated – never mind the fact that flow practices would’ve helped alleviate those excuses).
Fast forward a little bit, and I decided to do the 40 days after all but with a little twist. I’d call it 40 Days of Fae and use the time to work on reinstating good habits, practicing flow arts, and generally rediscovering my fairy magic that I felt had somehow gone missing. For her 40 Days, Deanne chose 40 intentions/themes to follow each day and shared them on her Instagram, and I decided I liked her list but that I was going to randomize it so each day would be a surprise. I decided the Summer Solstice would make a nice kick-off date, and having made the decision, suddenly things started feeling just a little bit better right away.
Let’s fast forward just a bit more and introduce a bunch of upheaval into my life. DandyLion and I are no longer a couple together; yesterday, I packed up all my stuff and moved from his apartment back to my parents’ home. I feel a little bit dead inside writing that. All I’m going to say about the situation is that he is a fantastically amazing guy, there is absolutely no denying that, but in as many ways as we are perfect for each other, our incompatibilities started to outweigh that, and it breaks my heart to face this because it just goes to show that even though fairy tale princes do exist, it won’t mean happily ever after if you aren’t the princess you need to be.
So in all the heartbreak and packing up, I almost said screw it again to my 40 days project, but something inside me said “Nope, be strong, do it anyway.” Yesterday’s random intention was “Bold” and it was an interesting one to try and work into my day. When I think about being bold, the phrase “Boldly go where no one has gone before” comes to mind; it imparts a sense of adventure, curiosity, and bravery. I tried to hold onto the idea that it was time to boldly take this step into a new chapter of my life, no matter how upsetting or unsettling it may feel. I chose the mantra Om Kala Vide Namaha (Salutations to the knower of the right time) to keep with me during the day; it seemed like a good mantra for trying to be bold in the midst of heartache.
Today’s intention is “Magical”. That’s about the last thing I feel right now. Actually I feel kind of sick to my stomach. I think I need Phoenix Magic today, it’s time to burn away everything that doesn’t serve me into pure ash. I kind of wish I could fire dance today but I lack both fuel and competent safety buddy; so I’m going to try to incorporate the burn in a metaphorical way. Today’s mantra is Nam Myoho Renge Kyo (I devote myself to the Mystic Law of the Lotus Sutra). To me the lotus symbolizes renewal, the beautiful flower that grows out of the mud, and I always see lotus related geometry when I dance with fire and/or lights. So today’s magic will be about embracing that beauty and purity in the midst of all these muddy emotions and chaotic contexts.
Saying it doesn’t make it feel easier though . . .